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home> topics of interest> parenting1> attachment parenting
by Dr Sarah BuckleyYou can contact Sarah at: sarahjbuckley(at)uqconnect.net To email Sarah, change (at) to @
Parenting
in our culture is a struggle. Bookshops are overflowing with advice to help us
with crying babies, sleep problems, feeding problems, toilet training, temper
tantrums and discipline; the same areas our parents had difficulties with, and
probably our grandparents too. But
these are not issues for parents in many contemporary cultures, and it is only
in recent generations that these have emerged as the norms of parenting in
western society.
What
has changed, and how do others manage to avoid difficulties in these areas? The
answers are not simple. Socio-cultural as well as personal beliefs and practices
play a part in the expectations and assumptions that we bring to parenting. For
example, there is a widely held belief that we should be raising our children to
be as independent and as intellectually developed as possible. Factors such as
the demise of the extended family, the spectre of unemployment for our children,
and perhaps even the birth practices that the current generation of parents were
subjected to have all contributed to these beliefs, which, in fact, do not
usually produce easy parenting in any context.
At
a family level, I believe that we still carry the scars of the several
generations of advice from “experts”. Ideas such as “spoiling” a baby by
attending to his/her cries, the taboo on the family bed, over-concern for the
natural body functions of eating and elimination, and the idea that the
formulated milk of another animal could possibly replace the nutrition and
nurturing that come from a mothers breast have come from theorists, mostly men,
and reflect a deep distrust of our instincts, as well as an incredible
hard-heartedness toward our offspring.
The tide is turning, though, with Benjamin Spock, the author of what was the parenting bible for our parents, saying, in 1974, that child educators had “during the last few decades, greatly undermined parents’ self-assurance on knowing what is best for their child.” The trend towards gentle birth practices has had a flow-on effect, and women reclaiming their instincts and power in birth are more likely to trust their baby and their body in mothering as well. Breast-feeding, which is now more supported, enhances the instinctual and hormonal connection between mother and baby, and, formally or informally, can create a sisterhood and support network with other nursing mothers.
This
“new” style of parenting works because it is what we are designed for,
physiologically and developmentally. We are not a “caching” species, adapted
to long absences from our mothers in nests and burrows; such animals do not cry
(or they would attract predators) and their milk is extremely high in protein
and fat, to sustain the young for long periods. We are in every way much closer
to the continuous-feeding, carrying mammals, as our babies remind us when they
cry to be carried, to be fed frequently, and to be nestled up against our bodies
in sleep. In fact continuous carrying (usually in specially designed slings and
carriers), frequent and extended breastfeeding, and co-sleeping are the norm in
most non-western cultures, and westerners are often amazed by the levels of
quiet contentment among these babies.
There
is an increasing wealth of research and writing supporting these practices,
starting with John Bowlby’s classic book on attachment between mothers and
babies in 1969; his findings- that secure attachment between mother and baby in
infancy predicts later emotional security and independence- have been validated
many times in contemporary research. Ashley Montagu, in his 19-- book “Touch;
the human significance of the skin”, makes an impassioned plea for extended
mother-baby contact. There are also many contemporary writers in this area such
as William Sears, an American paediatrician who coined the phrase “attachment
parenting”, and who documents the wisdom of parents “wearing” their
babies. Tine Thevenin’s writing on “The family bed” lends support to
parents who find that co-sleeping works well for them, and, with many others,
dispels the myth that co-sleeping increases the risk of Sudden Infant Death. (In
fact, some of the lowest rates of SIDS are found amongst cultures where
co-sleeping is the norm; however smoking, alcohol or drug use by a co-sleeping
parent does increase this risk.) Mothering magazine, from the US, covers all of
these areas and more, in support of gentle parenting choices.
This
style of “attachment” parenting does not guarantee conflict-free parenting.
In fact, because of a robust self-esteem, children reared in this way will often
argue and disagree, and in this way, attachment parenting can challenge parents
to develop more democratic family dynamics. However discipline, I believe,
begins with love and attachment, and attachment parenting, by keeping us in tune
with our children, helps us sort out major from minor misdeeds and reminds us to
keep a wider perspective on our children’s behaviour.
AuthorSarah J Buckley is a GP/family MD, an internationally published writer on pregnancy birth and mothering, and mother of 4 children, all born gently at home. Sarah is the author of the book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering. See her website for more details, www.sarahjbuckley.com
Disclaimer The information contained on this website is of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. The information is not meant to replace the recommendations or advise of your midwife or doctor. Please consult your midwife or doctor regarding your health care.
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