Loving me again
My experience giving birth was a tough one for me. I honestly thought that having induced labor would have been the worst of my problems, but I was so wrong. I ripped so badly and the stitching that was done to me was an injustice. Even after four months since my delivery, I still get pain when using the toilet. It's so horrible. For three months I couldn't look at myself in the mirror; my gynecologist had to tell me that I HAD to because it was important for me to know the progress of my body but it was so hard to look at. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel human. It really stresses me out to the point that my hair is dropping (I have two bald patches in the front) and my weight is dropping day by day. This is a really tough time for me. Looking at my son helps to take away the pain but sometimes, I feel so alone and I don't feel like a woman anymore.
I'm not sure how to go about gaining the woman-ness about myself. I'm not sure if I should bother.
Thank you for your post. I have just replied to another post of yours in the postnatal depression section. I am so very sorry to here about how traumatic your birth experience was and the stitches too. Given what you have described above, it is not surprising that you sometimes find it difficult to connect with your baby. After I experienced a traumatic birth I found it hard not to 'blame' my baby for what had happened even though I knew logically that this did not make sense.
I have heard other women say that the stitching was more traumatic than the birth.
I think it will take you some time to recover from what must have been very traumatic but the healing process can start gradually day by day. In fact, it may help to take one day at a time. When you wake up think about one thing you could do today to make you feel more 'you' and to feel 'like a woman again'. For example, choose to wear a special pair of earrings, paint your toenails or swap some clothes with a friend so that you have something new to try.
Many hospitals offer an 'after thoughts' service where you can go through your birth notes (including the notes about the stitching) in detail with a midwife. It may help you to talk through this and to explain how you feel about what happened.
Do you feel able to write down the full and difficult details of your birth story?
It sounds to me like you felt like things were happening to you during the birthing process. This can be very frightening when you are not empowered (as should happen in a positive birth) to make decisions and choices about your body.
Are you able to eat well and exercise? This is so important to help to heal your body and mind. How about joining a mum and baby exercise group e.g. babywearer walks or buggy exercise? Sadly many women suffer from trauma caused by the birthing process and meeting new mums can help with friendship and chatting.
Have you considered having some professional counselling to help you deal with these difficult experiences?
You have my thoughts. You are very brave,