Want to be a perfect mum
Hi there, I'm a first time mum.My son is 11 months old.Please share me some way how I understand my sons need.What should I do while he's growing up.What should I teach him.Do I need to punish him when he do something wrong.I want to be a perfect mum for my son.
I think most of us want to be a perfect parent. However, there are probably times each day when we fall short of this. None of us can be perfect but it is our intentions and love for our children which really matter.
The gentle parenting way is often referred to as 'child led'. This refers to a way of bringing up our children where we respect them and follow their lead. Yes we are still the parents and we need to make sure our children are safe and so have certain boundaries. However, I believe that these boundaries should be as wide as possible - allowing our children freedom to explore the world and express themselves. Much of this simply comes naturally. Unfortunately, in today's world, it is often a case of turning off our ears to the non-child lead parenting books (such as those advocating 'controlled crying') and other parent-led sources (for example, friends who wrongly advocate that formula feeding is the easier and more stable option).
In terms of discipline, punishment and rewards can have long-reaching and often negative side-effects. Gentle discipline or grace-based discipline are wonderful alternatives to punishment-based discipline. Dr. Sears writes this about gentle discipline:
'Discipline is more about building the right relationship with your child than using the right techniques. You want to put into place a guidance system that keeps the child in check at age four and keeps his behavior on track at age forty, and you want this system to be integrated into the child's whole personality, a part of him or her.'
I really cannot recommend highly enough the gentle discipline resources by Dr. Sears.
In particular, at 11 months old your son cannot do 'something wrong' - he can't be 'naughty'. he is just learning about and exploring the fascinating world around him. Children's charities (such as the NSPCC) have conducted research that shows that smacking is ultimately not effective anyway (it would never be appropriate for a young child of 11 months old and, I believe, never in fact appropriate for any child) and can cause social problems in adulthood. In some cases, we may need to change the activity (for example if it could hurt your child or another child).
I can also recommend the little hearts gentle parenting books and resources. The little hearts author writes:
'Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.'
If you would like to give us some specific areas that you are concerned about then we can comment with more practical tips.
Attachment 102I found this reassuring, hope others will too.
Thanks for sharing Amarie - I think it's easy to feel guilty as a parent but it is best to focus on the positive times of each day. Often it is the little things that matter. That extra kiss on our child's head, giving them praise and attention, enjoying a favourite book together; amongst all the business of everyday life with young children.