Talking about Trauma; a personal experience
Sometimes a pregnancy doesnít always go to plan. I had a 13wk miscarriage with my second pregnancy, but losing a child I wanted very much was not the worst part of my loss.
It took me just ten minutes from my waters breaking for me to be completely covered in blood, I was haemorrhaging, but I was at a hospital so I thought I was safe. I was very wrong.
The doctor assigned to treat me refused to touch me as he was disgusted by the amount of blood covering me. He didnít believe I was having a miscarriage and wanted me to be washed clean before examining me. It took an hour for the trainee nurse to call for assistance to wash me; she couldnít get me cleaned properly because of how much I was bleeding. The nurse who came in to help her saved my life. She called the Obstetrics and Gynaecology department and I was rushed to theatre for an emergency curette. When I was told that Iíd had an incomplete miscarriage I didnít care anymore, I just wanted to survive. I will always remember the nurses in the theatre arguing over what I needed more; a blood transfusion or more saline.
The person I had to trust to help me nearly killed me, for whatever his reason was. Because of this I developed agoraphobia (panic attacks) and spiralled down into a depressive state. I was moody and angry and sad. Three months after my miscarriage I finally got to the point where I simply did not want to wake up anymore. It was then I sought professional help, as I had a two-year old who needed her mum desperately and I didnít want to keep just surviving.
It took me close to a year to be able to think about what I had been through, and I still am unable to grieve for my loss, as I cannot think about one without the other. And I was alone. No-one else could understand what I felt and I tried so hard to explain, just so I could get the feelings out of my head and know that I wasnít alone. I thought it might just be me, that no-one else felt this way, until a close friend of mine underwent a traumatic experience with her miscarriage and I realised that it is an experience that isnít talked about, as we are sort of just expected to get over anything bad related to pregnancy and not be scarred by it.
It was such a relief to be able to talk to my friend and know that she understood exactly how I felt, then and now. Even though her experience was different to mine, the emotional journey is the same.