Is my daughter becoming a brat?

[patty]

I've noticed that my 4-year old daughter is becoming a "brat". She cries when no one pays her any attention and throws tantrums when she does not get what she wants right away. I've tried explaining that she cannot always have what she wants. What should I do?

[mom2many]

The most important factor is consistency. Do not give in to her demands. If she is throwing a tantrum for something insignificant, do not give her whatever it is. Also, make sure that her blood sugar levels stay balanced and she maintains a reasonable bedtime schedule. Children tend to act out the most when the are hungry or tired.

[patty]

Thanks so much

[patty]

Yes, I call her sweetie.

[5Homebirths4Kate]

Hi Patty,

How is it going with your 4 year old? Have you been able to try changing her inappropriate responses? How did it go?

Warm Regards,

Kate

[patty]

Hi Kate,

She still throw tantrums, but most of the time I just ignore her until she stops. When she stops, it's like nothing happened. I also cut down her candy eating habit to maintain balanced sugar level. Thanks.

Patty

[5Homebirths4Kate]

Hi Patty,

Ignoring tantrums may eventually make her stop and help her to know that you're not going to give into her demands, but what you truly want is to be able to take her anywhere, and to be able to have people into your home without your daughter throwing a tantrum. You want her to actually learn what appropriate behavior is so that she is a joy for everyone to be around, all the time

Here's something that is very effective in stopping tantrums with a 4 year old. It's something I learned when I was working at a preschool, from the Director who had an Early Childhood degree.

When your daughter starts to throw a tantrum you immediately get down on her level and hold her and look in her eyes (eye to eye contact) and you say, very sternly but lovingly, "I will not let you do this. Throwing a tantrum is not okay." You may notice that this is something she doesn't expect you to do and so she may stop immediately. You can then have her sit in a chair until she calms down. The number of minutes you would leave her in the chair would be equal to her age. So a 4 year old should only need about 4 minutes in the chair.

When she has sat quietly for 4 minutes, go to her and give her a hug and say, "I love you, but I won't allow you to throw tantrums anymore. Would you like to help set the table now?" (or whatever it is you want to direct her to do... wash her hands, get her shoes on, etc.) If she is composed and is willing to do it, you know you've taken a huge step in the right direction.

Consistency is VERY key to success. The next time she throws a tantrum (and you can expect that she will), you do the same thing. Bring her up short, catch it immediately, and let her know you will not allow her to throw a tantrum.

If she does not stop the tantrum and cannot sit in the chair by herself, quietly, then you will need to sit in the chair and hold her in such a way where she cannot hit or kick you. Let her know that when she calms down, you will let her go but you won't allow her to throw a tantrum. It may take a few minutes for her to calm down, but she will eventually calm down.

Alternatively, you could take her to her room and let her know that she can come out when she stops crying and has a happy face. The problem with putting her in her room is that she may decide to play in there and then that's not effective in resolving the problem. Another problem with putting her in her room is that it may actually take longer for her to calm down and she may try to come out of her room multiple times. I've found that when you're initially correcting tantrum behavior that holding her until she calms down is the fastest, most effective way to help her learn how to control herself.

If she was playing with toys before she threw her tantrum, go back to the toys when she has control of herself, and ask her to put the toys away.

Please let me know what you think of this, and if you have any questions or if you think of a situation this wouldn't work for and I'll try to give you more help.

Warm Regards,

Kate

[patty]

Hi Kate,

I have tried putting her in her room once and just as you've said she just played with her toys, but it eventually calmed her down. I will try your first suggestion the next time she throws a tantrum. We'll see how it works for her. Thanks so much. You're really helpful with the suggestions.

[5Homebirths4Kate]

Hi Patty,

Do post back the next time she throws a tantrum and tell us what worked and what didn't. I'll keep giving you suggestions until you find something that works well for you.

Warm Regards,

Kate