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  1. #1

    Help with my 15 year old

    Hi,

    My daughter is 15 and recently I found out that she has a boyfriend. I must admit I really don't know how to handle this as I think she is too young to have one.

    Any advice?

    Thanks

    jersey1210

  2. #2
    Hi Jersey1210,

    I agree with you that 15 years old is too young to have a boyfriend. The hard part for me in giving advice is that I don't know what your relationship is like with your daughter.

    If you have your daughter's heart and she wants to please you, I would give one set of advice.

    However, if your daughter is bound and determined to have a boyfriend and spend time with him, no matter how you feel, then I would encourage you to not allow your daughter to spend any "alone" time with her boyfriend. This would mean that you would not allow your daughter to go to his house or go out with him, and if she wanted to spend time with him, you would compromise by allowing him to come to your house.

    When he is in your home, he would not be allowed in her bedroom or behind any closed doors. You would encourage them to spend time in the kitchen or the family room or anywhere that other people in the family are normally circulating so that there is not chance for inappropriate touch without others being able to see.

    I would also set down ground rules that they are not allowed to touch each other when they are in your home. Not even holding hands.

    I would encourage her not to limit herself to having just one friend of the opposite sex. Doing things as a group (a group of friends) is much more "safe" for her, both physically and emotionally, then limiting herself to just one person (a boyfriend).

    The purpose of limiting yourself to having a more serious relationship with the opposite sex is if one is looking for a marriage partner. At 15 years of age, your daughter isn't old enough or mature enough to make wise decisions about a marriage partner… someone she will spend the rest of her life with. And if her boyfriend is around the age of 15, he is not old enough to have a full time job that would allow him to support a wife and a family.

    One thing you may want to explain to your daughter is the difference between how guys and girls think. Guys are usually interested in having their physical/sexual needs met, while girls are looking at a guy as the person who will sweep them off their feet, be their knight in shining armor, and love, cherish and care for them for the rest of their life.

    Because girls think this way, they think the guy is thinking along these lines as well, and one of the hardest lessons a young girl will learn (if she has a boyfriend at 15 years of age) is that he's not thinking like that at all, and most likely, he will eventually find someone else that is more appealing to him, and off he goes, leaving your daughter with a broken heart.

    My oldest daughter is 20 years old and has not had a boyfriend yet. My son is 19 and has not had a girlfriend yet. We teach the children early about courtship and dating… the benefits of waiting to become seriously interested in one person until they are ready and able to go into marriage. At that point, we encourage them to spend time together in group settings and never alone (always having at least one other person along). Holding hands and physical contact is not needed during this time as it can distract from the purpose of getting to know the other person and developing a deep friendship with the person that could very well end up becoming their life partner.

    Please feel free to share more about the situation, and if you have a specific challenge that comes up, share it, and we will try to give some specific advice about that situation.

    Hope this helps some.

    Warm Regards,

    Kate

  3. #3
    I do not think there is one set solution that will work for every child when it comes to dating. I started to date when I was fifteen, six years later that dating partner became my spouse. So it would be hard for me to say that I think fifteen is too young to date. I think it is a reasonable time to begin dating in group settings, under supervision, similar to what Kate described. I would be hesitant to let my fifteen year old spend time alone with a boy or girlfriend at that age, however.

    It is so important at this age that you sit down and talk to your child about your expectations, dating, and sex. If they feel comfortable discussing these things with you, then they will, without hesitation. You can develop mutual trust and understanding through honesty. Despite popular belief, children who have these open relationships are far less likely to partake in risky behaviour.

    -Angela

  4. #4
    Hi Kate and Angela,

    Thank you both for your inputs, I appreciate them. My daughter and I have a very good relationship and we do have a very open communication with each other, this is how I knew she had a boyfriend. She doesn't spend time alone with him (as far as I know) and mostly goes out on group dates. The boy belongs in her circle of friends so they do spend a lot of time as a group. I was only 18 when I got pregnant with her and I can't count how many times I've shared my story with her. Telling her the risks of engaging in sex at such an early age and I'm thankful that she gets it. Now that I'm writing about it, I do feel better and reading your advice has made me feel more at ease since I am very confident that I've thought my girl very well about taking care of her heart and body.

    Thanks again!

    -jersey1210

  5. #5
    So glad you're feeling better. Just keep in mind how strong the sex drive is. It's hard to control, especially for a boy, and girls tend to want to please their boyfriends. So making sure that she doesn't spend time alone with a boy is going to be important.

    Also, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter so you may want to actually create opportunities where they can spend time together with your family or with you present. The tighter his relationship becomes with you (the parent) the more respect he will have for you and your daughter.

    I wish you all the best.

    Warm Regards,

    Kate

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