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Thread: Discipline through spanking?
10th July 2013 04:53 AM #1
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
Discipline through spanking?
My son is now turning 11 months old. I am really having a hard time because he is such a hyper-active child.
Now, sometimes, after work, since I am tired I sometimes lose patience on him and then I spank him in the hands together with yelling. Then I felt sorry few seconds after it.
Is it bad spanking your child occassionaly. I wonder what the effects could be. Thank you.
11th July 2013 08:06 AM #2
At 11 months of age, your child will not understand the purpose of a spanking which means the spanking won't correct the problem.
Around 15-18 months, I found that my children started to test their boundaries and purposefully disobey me.
My guess (from your post above) is that you are spanking your child out of frustration rather than to correct the behavior.
At 11 months of age, what is he doing that you perceive to be bad behavior? If he is just running around or getting into things you don't want him to get into, then try to do a better job of baby proofing your home so that he only has access to things that he can't hurt, and that can't harm him. Baby gates are wonderful at helping to keep a child in a separate area. Another thing that works well is a Play Yard or Play Pen. Here are some pictures of what these look like:
play pen australia.jpg
If you find that you are frustrated and you are tempted to spank your son, it would be best to put him in his cot so that he is safe and cannot harm himself, and then close the door and walk away for a few minutes until you are able to regain control of yourself. You will feel much better about doing this and your son will not experience any negative effects of being spanked at such a young age.
And later, when your son is old enough to know better or when he starts to test his boundaries and he purposefully disobeys you, that will be the time for loving, firm discipline - but never discipline from a place of frustration or anger. Good, firm discipline and training is very important, but for now, just enjoy the cuddle time with your little guy. These "baby days" will be gone before you know it.
12th July 2013 08:43 AM #3
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- Mar 2012
Thank you so much for this. It helped me a lot and yes I think I am just frustrated and annoyed
He has a playpen but he's not contented in such a small place to play. But I will see what I can do.
"I found that my children started to test their boundaries and purposefully disobey me." - this so true, because when he see me yelling, he looks at me then teasingly continues to do what he was doing. Makes me laugh sometimes - but I want to correct that.
Anyway, thank you and I will keep you posted if in case there will be improvement.
12th July 2013 09:13 AM #4
Sometimes it helps to rotate toys in the play pen. Just give him one or two toys at a time, and when he becomes bored with those, then take them out and give him something else. This should help him to be contented for longer periods of time. As he gets older you can rotate boxes of toys, having one box of toys in the closet one week, and then rotating and putting the toys he played with last week in the closet. Having 3 boxes of toys to rotate through can be helpful. When a child sees a toy a week or two later it's like having a brand new toy to play with.
13th July 2013 02:18 AM #5
I have to agree with Kate that it is best to not spank your 11 month old, even if it is just a tap on the hands. He is too young to associate this response with his behaviour. I personally believe that spanking is never the answer. It concerns me that if we correct behaviour using force this teaches a child to use their strength or force to control others, even if it is many years in the future.
I, like many others, have opted for a gentle discipline approach. I still teach my children the difference between right and wrong and where the boundaries lie - but I do so with respect and care. Dr. Sears (the well-known attachment parenting doctor) has some excellent resources on gentle discipline here. Interestingly, he talks about using humour for discipline and how this can diffuse a difficult situation.
Could your son be bored as you mention he is very active? Do you think he is getting enough outside exercise and stimulation in the day? You could make a 'feely box' for him to explore. You just take an old box or basket and fill it with materials and objects of interesting textures. They can be everyday objects e.g. wooden spoon, sponge, loofer, keys etc.
You could also try saving special toys for the time when you come home from work and are feeling most busy and frustrated. Is your son in childcare whilst you are at work? Perhaps he is having difficulties adapting to the change in setting between childcare and home?
Have a read of the article 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child. It explains about spanking devaluing a child's worth and how anger breads anger.
I hope you can find a approach that is right for you and your child and you both become less frustrated and enjoy some special mummy-son times together.
19th July 2013 10:59 AM #6
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- Jul 2013
I am a strong Bible believer and there are many verses there which says that we should spank them.
Proverbs 23:13-14 - Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Proverbs 13:24 - He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Proverbs 29:15 - The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.
Proverbs 22:15 - Foolishness [is] bound in the heart of a child; [but] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
Proverbs 19:18 - Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
I agree with Kate, though, that you should discern if your child is purposely disobeying you or not. If he is , then you should spank him, but in the right manner:
1.) in a private room and never public
2.) talk with him about what he did --may be based with Bible verses
3.) spank him with a belt or a rod on his behind while lying face down (your hands should be just for caring and caressing, never for hurting)
4.) spanking should reflect the discipline and not your anger (Ephesians 6:4 says we should not provoke our children to wrath)
5.) see to it that he understands that you are mad with what he did and not with him... that you love him, but you hate the sin or wrong that he did because it will ruin his life if he gets used to doing what is wrong.
20th July 2013 02:42 AM #7
Dr. Sears does address the Biblical interpretation of these verses in his article 10 Reasons Not to Hit. Whilst this isn't a forum for theological debate, there are a huge number of Christians and theologians who believe that the discipline talked about in the Bible is related to non-physical discipline. Being a Christian does not mean you believe you should spank your child, particularly if you follow a gentle parenting approach.
In terms of parents who spank with an instrument such as a belt; such objects have been shown to risk extra, unintended damage by the parent. This just does not sit right with my understanding of gentle parenting.
20th July 2013 06:25 AM #8
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- Jul 2013
Yes, I think it will all boil down to what your conviction is.
That is why the Bible really specifies that you spank with a rod... because LJ is right, there are really risks when you use the belt.
20th July 2013 04:15 PM #9
For those following this thread, there is an excellent article here by the respected author Elizabeth Pantley (who also happens to be a Christian) on To Spank or Not to Spank? - I would encourage you to read this if you are considering this issue. Pantley concludes that spanking is not for the best of the child and she writes: 'Positive, respectful, consistent discipline is the real key to raising well-behaved children.' Gentle Christian Mothers has more indepth articles on the gentle parenting response to discipline.
The NSPCC is a children's protection charity and it has produced some useful information on positive parenting here under the topic 'why smacking is never a good idea'. Save the Children's statement about this topic is 'years of experience show that smacking doesn't work. It can have a very detrimental outcome on a child's development.'
Depending on what country you live in, there is legislation concerning spanking/ smacking particularly if you use an instrument instead of your hand which can cause additional pain and additional emotional problems for a child as they grow up. The physical punishment of children is banned in these countries: Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Croatia, Latvia and Italy. This article explains that the UK may soon ban physical punishment towards a child with any instrument.
My feelings are these: not using physical punishment does not mean that we don't discipline our children - it just means we do it in a gentle way, showing respect and understanding through the boundaries we place and the words we use.
Last edited by ljmarsden; 20th July 2013 at 04:18 PM.
4th September 2013 11:11 AM #10
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- Sep 2013
How to make the child follows you without screaming or betting them? I am a mother of 5 years old girl. Everytime I get angry due to not following simple instructions. I easily get mad.
5th September 2013 06:57 AM #11
If you get angry then you child will copy you and also get angry. As parents, we need to set a good example and not react angrily or rashly to our children. If you feel that you are getting angry then try and use humour to diffuse the situation. You may find you both end up laughing together instead of getting into a vicous circle of anger. You can also remove yourself from a situation if you think you are going to get angry.
It is a good idea to plan ahead - try not to take young children into situations that often end in one of you getting angry. For example, don't take tired or hungry children to do the weekly shop.
If you think your child is starting to 'act up' then sit down with them and talk about how you are both feeling. Offer them a different activity to do. Or, even better, a choice of activities.
If you build a relationship with your child through gente parenting and respect then you are less likely to have to deal with bad behaviour. Take time each day to have some special mummy and daughter quality time together; paint a picture together or go for a walk and spot new things.
Dr. Sears (the atttachment parenting doctor) writes this on the subject of gentle discipline:
'Discipline is more about building the right relationship with your child than using the right techniques. You want to put into place a guidance system that keeps the child in check at age four and keeps his behavior on track at age forty, and you want this system to be integrated into the child's whole personality, a part of him or her.'
There are loads of useful practical tips for parents who want to use gentle, effective discipline on the Dr. Sears website.
I hope some of these suggestions help.
Please post back and let us know how you get on.