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  1. #1
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    Failed to be a good mother because I have a naughty son

    As far as I remember I tried everything to be the best mother for my son.I am a single parent and I tried my best to give all his needs.As a working mother I have more hours spent at work than at home so my son is always with my parents and my sister who is living with us. I've tried reading books on how to raise a child alone but it didn't work out. My son still turn out to be very naughty.Does the people's attitude that surrounds him affect him to be stubborn?or having a broken family does?

  2. #2
    Dear Harvi,

    You have not failed to be a good mother. You are a good mother. I have been reading your posts and you care very deeply for your son and want to do the best for him. All children push boundaries at times and may behave in a way we are not happy with. This certainly does not make you a bad mother it simply makes you a normal mother.

    It does sound like you have a busy life and I'm sure that (in light of your other posts) things can get stressful at times. It can be difficult for children who have more than one set of carers. In your son's case he is cared for by: yourself, your sister and your grandparents (I hope I have understood this correctly). I think what is important here is to make it clear to everyone that you are his only parent and so you must decide how you want to parent your son. It is great that your family are there to help you with your son but they must listen to, and respect, your parenting style in terms of things like discipline and the way you interact with your son.

    Do you think your son could be getting mixed messages from his different carers? Consistency is so important when it comes to parenting and if he is given different boundaries from each of his carers then he is more likely to not respect any of these boundaries as it will be confusing for him.

    Children that come from broken families are unfortunately more likely to have behavioural problems due to the emotions they are dealing with. Have you been able to talk to your son about his father? There are many good books aimed at children themselves which deal with the feeling caused by living away from their father or mother.

    I would recommend asking your sister and parents to also read through and understand the gentle parenting resources I have linked to in my reply to your previous post.

    We are here to support you on this forum. Please post back any further questions you have and if you feel that some of the recommendations that i have given above could be useful.

    Warm wishes,
    LJ

  3. #3
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    Thank You for your response,
    Yes , after i read your message I talk to him seriously about how he felt about his father being away from him and he told it doesn't affect him and I repeat the question again twice but I got the same answer and He told me that for him he's thinking that he's already dead.I even ask him where did he get that Idea.and tell me back that In his own idea.
    Yes, I am a very busy mother as I am the bread winner and I am preparing for his future.Hes the sweetest for me.He wanted to hug me all the time and he wanted so much time..whenever i stop playing with him it's the time he gets angry and pull my hair or slap my..I don't have the Idea where he got those act.Is Computer games affecting him too?If Im around I refrain him from playing computer games as He forget everything if hes playing.(I mean too much concentration on games and forget eating, if ill call his name,he dont respond) .
    Thank you !
    Your advise is great help!

  4. #4
    Dear Harvi,

    I am glad that you are finding this helpful and I hope you are able to believe that you are a good mother.

    I think that any young child who says he thinks of his father as already dead has clearly been deeply affected emotionally by the absence of his father. Is he unable to see his father at all? There is some useful information by the Children's Charity the NSPCC here about 'Changing Families' where the general advice given is this:

    'There is strong evidence that in almost every situation, it’s in the child’s best interests to maintain contact with both of their parents – and their grandparents too. Having a healthy relationship with both parents contributes to children’s emotional wellbeing.'

    Of course, there will be some family setups where it is very sadly impossible for the children to continue seeing both of their parents (for example, if one parent blocks contact with their children or in the cases of abuse).

    As your son is currently not able to have good contact with his dad I think you should expect the emotional consequences of this to be seen negatively in his behaviour. I would talk to all those who care for him about this and explain that he is very likely to have extra issues settling away from you, and controlling his behaviour at times, because of the lack of his father in his life. This is unfortunately likely to be heightened by the fact that he has to spend so much time away from you.

    I think the way he wants to be physically close to you, and his anger when he cannot do this, is your son showing that he feels insecure and confused. Does he have a daily and weekly routine? I think structure will help him when he is finding things difficult. It may also help to create a chart which explains clearly to him (perhaps with the help of pictures and stickers) at which times of the day he will spend quality time with you. You are his mum; so you are his world. He needs to feel that his time with you is protected and that it is quality time when you will not be called away to do something else or to see someone else.

    I think you are right to limit computer games. Research shows that it is best for children aged 5-6 to have no more than 45 minutes - 1 hour of 'screen time' a day. More than this can have a detrimental effect on their behaviour. If possible, I would try to keep it at 20-30 minutes a day and substitute time when he would have been on the computer for outside activities and walks with you.

    Does he eat a healthy balanced diet? This too can have a huge affect on behaviour.

    To conclude, I would take a very gentle approach with your son. It sounds like he has had to deal with a lot of changes in his family setup already at such a young age and he needs time and attention to help him deal with this. Try to build protected, quality, mum-to-son time into each day and talk to him about this in advance.

    We are here for you on this forum.

    Thinking of you,
    LJ

  5. #5
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    Hi LJ,
    Good to hear from you again
    Its been 3 years since he last saw his father.And Yes! we don't have any contacts from him.
    He don't have Daily routine and Thank You for that idea.I will plan for that one as soon as possible.Including that chart with pictures.I was away for work for almost a year that only communicates us is through Skype.
    For almost a year, He's doing computer games most of his times as his guardians could only console him with computer games with his longings to me. Now, I cut it totally and hes having his undesirable behavior whenever Hes refrain from using the computer.
    About eating habits .How does this affect his behavior? I think I have to focus also in this area as he is very picky in food that he wants to eat.

    Thank you for your constant support,
    Harvi

  6. #6
    Dear Harvi,

    I'm so sorry and shocked to read that you had to be away from your son working for almost a year. I cannot imagine how heart-breaking that would have been for both of you. It is going to take some time for your son to feel secure and confident that you are physically close to him again.

    Yes there is now a huge body of research that shows that food can affect our children's behaviour. Here is an excellent resource on food and children's behaviour from the Australian Healthy Food Guide.

    What does your son eat for breakfast? Eating a good breakfast with slow-releasing energy food is vital to a child's development and well-being. Porridge with fruit mixed in (made with whole milk) gives children a super start to the day.

    It is important that your son eats plenty of Iron and Zinc throughout the day from foods such as: cereals, soya, baked beans and dairy. This is in addition to omega-3 which can be found in fish (particularly oily fish), eggs and red meat.

    Please do write back with more details about your son's diet so we can help support you with this further.

    Warm wishes,
    LJ

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