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Thread: treating each child differant
19th October 2013 06:01 PM #1
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- Oct 2013
treating each child differant
I have 2 children, and they react differently to being disciplined. And so I take this into consideration when they do get into trouble. My daughter is totally heart broken when you put her in time out, and spanking does nothing. However, my son is heart broken when you spank him, even if you barely spank him. My mother is telling me that I am not being consistent with my discipline and it will lead to trouble in the future. Is this the case? If so what can I do about it?
13th November 2013 07:00 AM #2
I would have to say that spanking is not the answer. Research shows that spanking (in whatever form) has longer term negative effects on a child. Studies have also shown that some parents find they have to hit their children (spanking is classed as hitting) harder and harder to get a reaction from their child. This is another worrying negative impact of spanking as it means children can become desensitised to spanking and other forms of hitting. This sounds like it may be the case with your daughter.
Many child charities have now spoken out against any form of physical discipline. There is the information leaftlet 'Why Smacking is Never a Good Idea' by the NSPCC (National Society against Prevention of Cruelty to Children). The NSPCC statement on smacking, or any form of other physical act towards a child is:
'Years of experience show that smacking doesn't work. It can have a very detrimental outcome on a child's development.'
Many attachment parenting pro doctors would tell you that the way that your children are reacting to this discipline is confusing them and damaging your long term relationship with them. Conversely, gentle discipline is effective and respectful discipline. It certainly does not mean that there is no discipline or that boundaries are not set but:
'Discipline is more about building the right relationship with your child than using the right techniques. You want to put into place a guidance system that keeps the child in check at age four and keeps his behavior on track at age forty, and you want this system to be integrated into the child's whole personality, a part of him or her.' (Dr. Sears)
I do think you need to be consistent but I strongly feel this should be with the gentle discipline way. Dr. Sears has some superb practical resources on gentle discipline here. Little Hearts Books are another wealth of excellent discipline resources. It's perhaps worth noting that both of these famous, respected parenting experts (one of who is a paediatrician) are also Christians and talk through why a thorough understanding of the Bible (and the language used as well as theologians opinions on this) logically leads to the gentle discipline approach (and not spanking as is sometimes sadly interpreted).
I would encourage you to read through all the links above.
I hope this helps you and your family to have effective, gentle discipline that builds long term relationships.
Last edited by ljmarsden; 13th November 2013 at 07:06 AM.
9th December 2013 01:27 PM #3
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
I am a mother of 4yrs old and a 2yrs old. I must say, disciplining is the most trying role of a parent. Most of the time I am not consistent. Can I start all over again using your techniques and get the same effect as written in your forum? Thank you.
25th December 2013 06:11 AM #4
Yes 2jhoan you can certainly make a new start with gentle discipline. It may take a little time for everyone to adjust to this but I really believe that you and your family will benefit and your relationships will strengthen.
Let the past be in the past and make a new start. What a great time of year to do this! Try not to feel guilty about where you feel you have been inconsistent with your discipline in the past and move forward with the gentle, effective techniques discussed above.
I think it is important for both you and your husband to parent as one. I would, therefore, ask your husband to also read through all the resources and articles I have linked to above. Then, grounded in this experience and research, move forward with a gentle, attentive and relationship-focused discipline.
Please do ask any further questions you have about this here.