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  1. #1

    Favoritism among grandchildren

    Hi fellow mums!

    Are anyone experiencing favoritism of in-laws among their grandchildren? Unfortunately, my children are not the favorite ones and somehow they are the victims of favoritism. For instance, their grandparents would say nasty things about them but their all praises for their other grandchildren. Or there are times where they would buy new toys for their other grandchildren but give old used toys to my children. How do I deal with it? It really pains me to see what my children are experiencing at a very young age.

  2. #2
    Dear Mary,

    I'm so sorry to hear that - that must be really tough.

    Have you spoken to the grandparents about your concerns?

    There is some excellent information on attached grandparenting on Paula Yount's mother-2-mother website. I wondered if you could somehow share this with the grandparents and help them to see the gentle, supportive grandparents they could be?

    Warm wishes,
    LJ

  3. #3
    It's really tough and really hurtful. Thank you for this and I hope it will be resolved soon.

  4. #4
    I'm so sorry it must be very upsetting.

    Has this favouritism always occurred or did some event/occasion pre-empt it?

    Thinking of you,
    LJ

  5. #5
    It has been like this ever since we had our first child.

  6. #6
    What a shame. Is your partner able to talk to his parents about this?

    Thinking of you,
    LJ

  7. #7
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    Hi MaryMumOfTwo

    The situation you describe is awful. I am going to go out on a limb here and say what many wouldn't. Why do you tolerate it? I am quite a forthright person and while I do not see value in severing relationships with family over differences of opinion, I do expect my children (and me!) to be respected by family.

    You mention that the grandparents say nasty things about your children. Do they do so in front of your children, only to you, or is this something you are hearing second hand from other family members? I certainly wouldn't tolerate badmouthing to my children's faces. Causing all out war isn't the answer but choosing to simply end the visit and go seems reasonable.

    As LJ suggests speaking to them is certainly a good idea. However I am inclined to think that if it's been going on this long, there is an inherent lack of respect for you and your children which will make resolution hard. Let me ask you this. Why do you think the grandparents treat your children this way?
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  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by ljmarsden View Post
    What a shame. Is your partner able to talk to his parents about this?

    Thinking of you,
    LJ
    Hi ljmarsden, unfortunately, my husband doesn't want to talk to his parents about it. He just wants me to be understanding of the situation. It makes me think that he doesn't value his children that much or he's just being too blind about the wrong doings of his parents.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Mumof2IVFmiracles View Post
    Hi MaryMumOfTwo

    The situation you describe is awful. I am going to go out on a limb here and say what many wouldn't. Why do you tolerate it? I am quite a forthright person and while I do not see value in severing relationships with family over differences of opinion, I do expect my children (and me!) to be respected by family.

    You mention that the grandparents say nasty things about your children. Do they do so in front of your children, only to you, or is this something you are hearing second hand from other family members? I certainly wouldn't tolerate badmouthing to my children's faces. Causing all out war isn't the answer but choosing to simply end the visit and go seems reasonable.

    As LJ suggests speaking to them is certainly a good idea. However I am inclined to think that if it's been going on this long, there is an inherent lack of respect for you and your children which will make resolution hard. Let me ask you this. Why do you think the grandparents treat your children this way?
    Hi, it's not that I tolerate it but out of respect for my husbands parents, I don't talk back at them. It would be really hard to talk to them because for sure, they will interpret it as me being the bad one. There are times I would hear them say it even when I'm not directly near them. And there were also times that they would say it even when I'm around with them. I don't talk back because I don't want any feud between me and my in-laws because my mom experienced that with her in-laws and it's been going on until now that we her children have own families. Well, perhaps it's a way of tolerating it but in my heart I don't want it. Now I'm holding a grudge against my in-laws.

    I really don't know why they would do it. Some of my friends would say it's because of jealousy or envy. Some would say because I am not their daughter, and they prefer their grandchildren who are from their own daughter. But with this reason, I would ask my friends back, are my children not considered their grandchildren too just because they came from my in-laws' son? just because their son was not the one who carried and delivered my children into this world? Until now, I really don't know why they are like that. It's also a hard thing to deal with because we're actually living in one house.

  10. #10
    My parents do the same thing. They spend more time with my daughter, than with my brother's daughter. In this topic I would like to ask something related to grandparents. My daughter was at my parents for 4 days. Since then she talks about her experiences from there. She would like to go on every weekend. The problem is, that when she arrives home she is a bit confused. Even tough they keep her daily schedule, arriving home she can't keep it. My question is, should I allow her to go often to my parents?

  11. #11
    Dear Jasmin,

    Having a great relationship with one's grandparents is a wonderful thing in childhood and, indeed, continued into adulthood. It sounds like your daughter really enjoys being with her grandparents. However, I don't think that this necessarily means that she needs to go there every weekend for the whole weekend. Weekends are important for mums, dads and their children to spend family time together too. Some weekends your daughter could stay there for the whole weekend and other weekends perhaps she could see her grandparents for just part of a day.

    Do your parents live close enough to you for you to do that?

    That is good that your daughter still has a routine at her grandparents; inevitably this will always vary to some extent from home. Therefore, it may be wise to consider which days she stays at her grandparents i.e. not just before another activity that she may be more tired for because she will be out of her normal routine.

    Do you also spend time together with your husband and your daughter and her grandparents? This is important so that grandparents see the way you parent your daughter modelled to them. It's also another great opportunity to bond as a wider family.

    Thank you for your post and sharing how much your daughter values her grandparents - it's lovely to hear.

    Warm wishes,
    LJ

  12. #12
    Thank you for your advice. My parents live a bit far from us, but we manage to spend time all together. I was thinking to take my daughter to my parents once in a month. So I hope this would be good for her, and for us too.

  13. #13
    That sounds like a beneficial plan for all involved.

    I think you will like this quote:

    'What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.' Rudolph Giuliani

    I hope your daughter and her grandparents have some magical times together.

    Warm wishes,
    LJ

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