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5th December 2013 03:47 AM #1
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- Dec 2013
How to handle friend's miscarriage
My very good friend has a four year old son and recently miscarried her second child at 15 weeks. It was a terrible shock for all of us because she'd made it past the 12 week milestone. Since this happened, she has been finding it difficult to see me or speak to me. I want to help her and do anything I can to ease her suffering, but I think maybe the best course of action is to wait for her to be ready to come back to our friendship.
I have had two pregnancies, one textbook healthy and one high-risk that had a 50% chance of failing. Even though I faced the possibility, I have not lost a baby so I know I can't fully understand what she is going through. Does anyone have any advice how I can handle this? She is a very special friend and I don't want to hurt her more, or lose her as a friend.
12th December 2013 05:25 AM #2
I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's miscarriage. I know it can be heartbreaking.
My guess is that your friend is probably having a hard time being around or talking to anyone with a small child. I would give her time and space, and when you do see her, offer a hug. We all process grief differently so you will need to just be sensitive to how best to support her. If you think she would appreciate a card or a small gift you could send that. It might be easier for her to receive a note or gift without you being present, while she is grieving this loss.
I'd like to share an email I received from a friend awhile back, when she had miscarried. Maybe it will give you some insight into what your friend is feeling...
"I’m afraid I have sad news. 10 Weeks into my pregnancy, we had a miscarriage Wednesday morning. We were hoping against hope that it was not what we thought, but had an ultrasound today and confirmed that it was a miscarriage.
The doctor cannot be sure, but based on the evidence suspects that there was a problem with the baby’s chromosomes and that it did not develop correctly from early on. We are of course, grieving the loss, but we are doing ok. We are taking comfort in the fact that we CAN get pregnant. We know that God will keep His promise to us, and we will try again.
We don’t really need any help or assistance except for your prayers. I am getting over the physical impact, and need to just lay low and rest for a few days. Jareb has been wonderful through this. He is taking good care of me, and we are both leaning on each other.
I know this kind of news should really come through a phone call, but neither one of us feel up to making or receiving calls at this point. We just need a few days of quiet and healing.
Thanks so much for being so wonderful and supportive, and thanks for your prayers!"
12th December 2013 07:29 AM #3
I'm so very sorry to hear about your friend's miscarriage. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for sharing this letter Kate. It brought tears to my eyes as I remembered the message I sent round to my friends after I experienced the sadness of a miscarriage.
I think that your friend will find it hard being around young children at the moment. I know this is how I felt. With time, she will come back to you. Let her know that you are there for her (as I am sure you already have) and that you want to respect her need for time to start to deal with what has happened and grieve; but you are there when she is ready. Some women and their partners want to (and need to) talk in detail for hour upon hour about what has happened and other women prefer to try and talk about other things when they are grieving.
Yvette, one of our moderators, wrote this article on Losing Temperance about grief and rememberance after suffering a miscarriage. You may find it helpful to read it to understand better what your friend is going through.
I would also let your friend know that you are comfortable with being around her whilst she is grieving (indeed, as you say you want to be there for her in any way you can). It may be helpful for your friend to know that she does not have to 'be sorted' to come and spend time with you. She can cry, be sad, not feel like talking; all of these are valid and acceptable.
You both have my thoughts,
Last edited by ljmarsden; 12th December 2013 at 07:32 AM.