My husband claimed its my fault that the kid doesn't recognize his authority.

[Chilou]

Hello,

My husband always claimed its my fault that the kid does not recognized his authority. Most of the time his is very stick with my 4 yr old daughter and sometimes his so rough on her. And i always told him he need to be soft and caring on her so she recognized you. Being so stick and always gave the kid a consequence does not make the situation right.

I always talk to my daughter on what is going on, what is the problem and why? I barely do spank or gave her punishments. My husband if he said something and my daughter doesn't follow immediately it's a punishment. And somehow my daughter got used to it and even more she doesn't listen.

How do i talked to my husband about this?

Thank you,
Jane

[proudmumof2boys]

Hi Chilou,

My suggestion would be talk to your husband heart to heart. And ask him to be more gentle to your daughter and have some quality time just the two of them. Have him walk her at the park or take her to the mall and do some girly shopping, I don't know if your husband would do it but you can try to convince him, and I guess in that way your daughter will feel closer to him. I don't have a daughter (not yet, for now) but for my 2 boys, they recognize their father's authority and still they can be able to tease him to take them to the park or playground, even my husband has a workload and deadlines to meet he would take time to get it in his schedule. But after playtime, if he said do not disturb me, they comply.

Step by step maybe he can be more soft on her. I believe that if he wants his authority to be recognized, he should make an effort to be closer to his daughter, talk to her, play with her, and discipline her. How can she recognize his father if he barely talks to her or spend time with her? You got what I meant?

I hope everything goes well.

[Chilou]

Hello proudmumof2boys,

I been talking to my husband about him spending time, one thing my husband does is fixing his old Modelt ford 1921. My daughter loves this car too, so every time he tried to let her join her and be greasy all over which i don't mind. They bonding together in this way. This is the only thing my daughter does outside the box. She is so girly and her dad sometime cant handle it. And my husband is so stick and my daughter is so soft, she will cry every time the dad get aggravated. They really don't get along well, my husband don't do any girly thing, shopping is out of the question. He will stay in the car when me and my daughter try to do shopping .

Thank you for the time.

[mom2many]

I am sorry Chilou. I hope your husband sees that he is being too strict on her and learns to parent in a more gentle way. I do not think you are to blame in any way.

[Chilou]

Hello mom2many,

In some way i tried to understand my husband on how he handle things his way, since that's the only way he knows. Seems like he was rise that way. I tried to talk to him from time to time, but most of the time his having a hard time understanding it. He think his way is good enough i guess.

[ljmarsden]

Hi Chilou,

I am sorry to hear that it is difficult for you at the moment with the differences in which you and your husband communicate with, and discipline, your daughter. I think you are doing the right think to try and keep talking to him about it and explaining why you believe a more gentle approach is necessary.

I certainly agree with the gentle discipline approach and there is some information which I have found useful on Dr. Sears: Discipline and Behaviour website. I believe that if we treat our children with respect then they will show this respect back to us and to others. There's also an informative article here: 'Good' children at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame. Perhaps you could look through some of these resources with your husband?

I hope things start to get easier soon,

LJ

[5Homebirths4Kate]

Hi Chilou,

When you mentioned that your daughter is very sensitive and cries when her father becomes frustrated, it reminded me that some people have a very sensitive, caring temperament while others don't.

I wrote a post about this entitled Understanding Personalities Makes For A Happy Family. See if your husband will read it (after you read it, of course). Hope it helps.

Warm regards,

Kate

[Chilou]

Hello Kate,

I already read it and he did too, we now know why everything seems so complicated now . But it help a lot to know what temperament we are.

Thank you again,
Jane

[Chilou]

Hello ljmarsden ,

Thank you again.

Jane