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  1. #1

    Not Around When My Child Needed Me

    Hi,

    I treasure every minute I could spend with my son to the extent that I am no longer treating him the way I should according to his age. I often make him feel like a baby and give him whatever he demands due to I seldom get a change to spend time with him. Can you give me an advice as to what other options I need to take to make up for the times I'm not around when he needed me?


    Thanks,
    Keith

  2. #2
    Hi Keith,

    I read in another post that your son is 4 years old. It's not too late to make changes in your parenting and I commend you for knowing that there are some things you need to start doing differently.

    Giving into a child's demands sets him up to expect everyone to give him what he wants. Often times this means that if someone doesn't give him what he wants, he will throw a tantrum, throw things, say mean things or yell. This is the only way most children know how to aggravate their parents to the point where the parent will eventually give them what they want.

    What does your child do when he doesn't get what he wants? Does he plead? (i.e. Pleeeeeeaaaaaasssseeee) or does he throw a tantrum? If you have tried saying no to your son, what does he do that makes you feel like you must give in to his demands? Once I understand this better, I can give you some tips on how to correct the behavior.

    Looking forward to hearing back from you.

    Warm regards,

    Kate

  3. #3
    Hi Kate,

    Thank you for responding. You are absolutely right, he pleads, cries out loud and throw a tantrum. I have tried talking to him about that, did everything to make him understand in a nice way and it worked.. but not for long. It is like a recurring scenario every time he demands for something. I want to avoid hurting him physically as much as possible but I really don't know what else I could do to change his behavior.


    Many thanks,
    Keith

  4. #4
    Hi Keith,

    I don't think you should feel bad for wanting to treasure every moment with your child: this is a beautiful thing. I think I know how you feel, now we are expecting our second later this year I feel (more than ever) that I want to enjoy, remember and treasure every laugh, cuddle and new word my son says.

    That said, it is also positive that you have recognised that you don't want to treat your son younger than he is. How about enjoying new activities together? You will probably be amazed at how quickly your son adapts to new tasks and challenges - and you will also want to treasure these moments together. e.g. planning a special walk together and then packing the backpack for it and enjoying spotting new wildlife. Or you could enjoy doing something creative and new together e.g. cooking or making a book which tells the story of your family. As your child gets older, there will be new memories to share together and new stages in which to enjoy.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Best wishes,

    LJ

  5. #5
    Hi LJ,


    Hope you are doing good. I appreciate the ideas you have provided, honestly I haven't thought about it. I guess I was intensely attached to the lost hours I haven't spent with my son when he was younger so I tend to think on doing the things I could have done before instead of what we could do together at the present time. Thank you so much.


    Regards,
    Keith

  6. #6
    I love LJ's suggestions - doing things together can be very helpful in establishing healthy relationships with children, and LJ had some fun ideas!

    Kate

  7. #7
    Hi Keith,

    Trying to reason with a 4 year old does exactly what you've seen. It may help for the moment (and often it doesn't even do that) but it won't produce lasting change.

    So what's a mother to do?

    Give him what he desperately wants and needs, which isn't what you think he's asking for. When you look at your son's behavior you'll see that he's not able to control himself by reacting properly, and when a child is out of control, they are desperately asking you to show them their boundaries. It's as if they're saying, "please help me not to act this way - please help me not to throw a tantrum".

    When we let our children know that it's not okay to act a certain way, you will start to see consistent change for the better.

    Sometimes when a child acts out, it can aggravate the parent to the point where they react (lash out) rather than respond, and reacting to a child's poor behavior can have negative consequences on him as well.

    There are ways to discipline and train a child without physically hurting him.

    I've addressed this challenge often in other posts and I'm including links to two of those posts below. There are some differences in how you would correct a 4 year old as compared to a 2 year old but I do share some things in each of these posts that you'll want to be aware of. They should give you some good ideas on how to go about creating some healthy, positive change for your son.

    Tantrums of a 4 Year Old

    Two Year Old's Tantrums


    Please post back with any specific challenges that may come up (i.e. throwing a tantrum at the grocery store, etc.) and I'll try to give some suggestions on how to manage those. It's simply not possible to address all scenarios in one or two posts

    Warm regards,

    Kate

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