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  1. #1

    Anger Management

    I was really furious with my daughter this morning I was calling her for a hundredth
    Time already and she's not responding to it, is it appropriate to show my anger on her?

  2. #2
    I would have to say no. If you act in an angry way to your child then it is showing them that you have lost control. The parent has to stay in control. You can still tell the child that they should not be acting how they are (or in this case that your daughter should come when you call her) but I believe this should be in a calm, controlled and gentle manner. Our children learn from our behaviour - so if we get angry and loose control then they will learn it is ok to be angry. I think it's ok to feel annoyed/angry but not for this to be shown in an uncontrolled manner.

    This approach is in-line with the Gentle Discipline method. Dr Sears advocates this parenting technique: here are his Five Ways Parents Can Handle Their Anger.

    I know it's difficult when we are in the situation/ in a rush and our children are not behaving as we want them to but (in the long run) I believe that gentle discipline creates a much more respectful relationship between the parent and the child.

    Best wishes,

    LJ

  3. #3
    Thank you on this LJ, guess I really have to learn to control my temper and be more patient with my kid.

  4. #4
    This is a very common situation between many parents and their children, but it can actually be easily resolved, and that doesn't mean trying to control your anger. Instead, you control the circumstances that happen BEFORE you become angry so that the anger never comes.

    So in this situation, it might look like this: (I'm going to pretend your daughter's name is Maria.)

    "Maria, please come here."
    (Maria continues watching TV.)

    When mum realizes that Maria is not moving in the direction she should go (in this case towards mum), mum goes to Maria, takes her by the hand and says, "You need to come when I call you."

    Mum walks Maria to where she should have been in the first place, and then gives direction. If mum was in the kitchen, calling Maria, then mum would go to Maria, tell her she needs to come when she's called, and take her back to the kitchen before continuing the conversation or giving further direction (i.e. you need to wash your hands because we're going to have lunch).

    This does two very important things.

    1. It teaches the child that you mean what you say. By coming to her and training her to come to you when you call, you're showing her that you're not going to let her continue to watch TV, or play, or simply ignore your direction.

    2. It short circuits any escalating frustration which eventually turns to anger, losing control, and shouting at the child, which doesn't do what you want it to do anyway. Shouting may get her to stop what she's doing for the moment, but the next time, she will go back into her old pattern of not coming when called.

    You may need to do this consistently for a week, or so, but eventually she will come when she is called if she knows that there will be consequences if she doesn't. You can choose what those consequences will be, but disciplining in love is far better than disciplining in anger and that's what will happen when you don't have to call your daughter more than once. If you find yourself calling her more than once, stop and take action by going to her, taking her hand, and leading her to where you want her to be. If she throws a tantrum you can deal with that (do a search on this forum for tantrums).

    Also, something I've used effectively has been to count to 3. I'll say, "One, Two, Three", and the child knows that there will be consequences if they are not here by 3. Some professionals suggest avoiding this technique because it trains the child not to move right away (they can wait until 2), but it has worked for me at times.

    Give it a try and let us know if it helps you to not get to the point of being angry because you had to call her 100 times (you should never have to call her more than once).

    Warm regards,

    Kate

  5. #5

    A Sympathetic Mum

    You know, there comes a time in many mum's lives when they are so frustrated with their children that they just do not know what to do. I have a nine year old who consistently knows exactly what to do to make me upset or angry. He sets his mind to doing it sometimes!

    One of the things I find (from my own personal experience) is that the less you show of your frustration or anger, the better. I have done much research on how to handle myself, and what to do so that it does not show through to the children. Maybe you could just take a deep breath when the situation arises, and quickly tell yourself to remain calm. That's one of the things I do, and it helps a great deal.

    Just remain calm at all times--and make that your general rule. If the little ones see how upset they are making you, it gives them a sense that they are controlling the situation. And as the mum--we are the one to be in control. One thing that helped me was watching old episodes of "Super Nanny" or "Nanny 911". It showed me (in a visual context) just how to handle these situations.

    I hope that things are going better for you, if you need a friend, I am here. I do understand.

    --Emily

  6. #6
    Emily had some good insight. Another thing I heard the Director of a preschool share, was that you should count to 10 before reacting, as this gives you time to respond rather than react.

    Hope this helps,

    Kate

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