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31st August 2011 02:29 PM #1
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- Aug 2011
Talking about Trauma; a personal experience
Sometimes a pregnancy doesnít always go to plan. I had a 13wk miscarriage with my second pregnancy, but losing a child I wanted very much was not the worst part of my loss.
It took me just ten minutes from my waters breaking for me to be completely covered in blood, I was haemorrhaging, but I was at a hospital so I thought I was safe. I was very wrong.
The doctor assigned to treat me refused to touch me as he was disgusted by the amount of blood covering me. He didnít believe I was having a miscarriage and wanted me to be washed clean before examining me. It took an hour for the trainee nurse to call for assistance to wash me; she couldnít get me cleaned properly because of how much I was bleeding. The nurse who came in to help her saved my life. She called the Obstetrics and Gynaecology department and I was rushed to theatre for an emergency curette. When I was told that Iíd had an incomplete miscarriage I didnít care anymore, I just wanted to survive. I will always remember the nurses in the theatre arguing over what I needed more; a blood transfusion or more saline.
The person I had to trust to help me nearly killed me, for whatever his reason was. Because of this I developed agoraphobia (panic attacks) and spiralled down into a depressive state. I was moody and angry and sad. Three months after my miscarriage I finally got to the point where I simply did not want to wake up anymore. It was then I sought professional help, as I had a two-year old who needed her mum desperately and I didnít want to keep just surviving.
It took me close to a year to be able to think about what I had been through, and I still am unable to grieve for my loss, as I cannot think about one without the other. And I was alone. No-one else could understand what I felt and I tried so hard to explain, just so I could get the feelings out of my head and know that I wasnít alone. I thought it might just be me, that no-one else felt this way, until a close friend of mine underwent a traumatic experience with her miscarriage and I realised that it is an experience that isnít talked about, as we are sort of just expected to get over anything bad related to pregnancy and not be scarred by it.
It was such a relief to be able to talk to my friend and know that she understood exactly how I felt, then and now. Even though her experience was different to mine, the emotional journey is the same.
1st September 2011 11:39 AM #2
13th February 2012 03:24 AM #3
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
Thank you for sharing your story Emma. That is so terrible, that you went through that.
I've had two miscarriages myself. The first was very early, just the day after I found I was pregnant. It was very hard, but not anywhere near as traumatic as what you have described. I had care providers who were very accommodating of my needs. They even called to check on me for several days afterward.
With my second miscarriage, I was about 10 weeks along. I ended up having to tell the children who I taught about it. It happened on a holiday and the same day that my husband lost his job. There was a lot of bleeding and pain. Because my husband was out of town on work at the time, I was virtually all alone. The doctors at the hospital were reluctant to treat me because I had seen a midwife up until that point who was not associated with their hospital.
It is very hard to get past the trauma of a loss, particularly when it is a miscarriage. It is so important that women talk about these experiences. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
14th February 2012 11:51 PM #4
Thank you for sharing your story here and helping other mums to talk about, and start to come to terms with, trauma they have experienced. I have no idea how I would cope if I'd been through what you have described. I think you are a very brave lady.
I posted about my miscarriage here. To be honest, I still find it hard to talk about but the open way you and mom2many have talked about your sad and traumatic losses has encouraged me with this.
15th February 2012 12:14 AM #5
Thank you Emma
Thank you for sharing your story. How are you doing now?
I have had many losses and in reading your story I find myself unable to share mine at this point. It brings home to me that somewhere underneath my well-constructed facade, the wounds of these losses are still raw.
I have written about my story many times but in a 'glossy' way, side stepping the practicalities and focusing most on thoughts and theories. Somehow that comforts me and allows me to not look at those raw wounds - to instead separate myself from them as though I am telling someone else's story instead of my own.
But like ljmarsden, Emma, I now feel compelled to share and would like to post my 'real' story soon. Like AussieMidwife, I hope we can take comfort in this forum and the chance to share our stories and read those of others.
We do not stand alone. We are in the arms of family.
15th February 2012 11:41 PM #6
Thinking of you as you as you go back through the memories of your own story and the losses that must have been so devastating to you with each special, unique pregnancy.
Our support is there for you,
10th March 2012 01:24 AM #7
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
Mumof2IVFMiracles ~ I am so sorry for the losses that you have suffered. When you are ready to share your story, whenever that may be, just know that we are here.
lj ~ I'm sorry for your loss as well. I and it's so good of you to share you story to help others!
Last edited by DoubleSunshine; 10th March 2012 at 01:27 AM.
10th March 2012 01:19 AM #8
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
How very brave of you to share your story. What an absolutely terrifying experience -- not only to suffer the grief and loss of your child but to worry for your own life as well. I can't imagine a doctor who would be that cold and uncaring. If he doesn't like the sight of blood he should he chosen another profession. I hope you are doing better each and every day.