Ooh, you’ve put on a bit of weight!

Chief among rude comments during pregnancy is an opinion on how ‘fat’ you’re getting. In addition, nearly two-thirds of pregnant women and new mothers experience stigma about their weight, which comes from family, strangers and society.

Women in a 2020 study reported many examples of weight-related remarks:

• ‘I got comments like, “You’re HUGE! Are you sure you’re only having one?”’
• ‘Coworkers point out how I am getting big and to be careful.’
• ‘One doctor told me I was terrible for getting pregnant at my weight. I was setting up my baby to fail. I was in tears, and he told me I was being too sensitive.’

Depending on the situation and your personality, you have a few options for handling it. They range from being honest to cheerfully sarcastic:

• ‘Oh, I’m sorry; didn’t I tell you? I’m pregnant. So exciting!’
• ‘You don’t have to worry; my midwife and I are happy with my health. My body is doing its job beautifully.’
• ‘That’s insensitive to say, and it doesn’t help me.’

Wow, you’re 20 weeks? But your belly is so big/tiny!

If they have nothing to say about your overall weight, some folks are sure to give their opinion about the size of your tummy. But, unfortunately, even seemingly harmless commentary like, ‘How are you! You look like you’re due soon,’ can throw you off-kilter.

Try one of these retorts and see if the nosy parker learns to stick to the weather rather than make rude comments during pregnancy:

• ‘Bub’s growth is tracking well, actually.’
• ‘I know; it makes you wonder where my abdominal organs are now.’
• ‘Well, I wasn’t going to say anything yet, but there’s a litter of puppies in there!’

How did you conceive?

‘Did you use IVF?’ ‘Was it planned?’ Perhaps you’re in a queer relationship,  a single mum, or had fertility troubles. Or maybe the person is just really, really nosy. However, that doesn’t mean asking questions about how you became pregnant is OK.

You can gently refuse their question by saying, ‘Why are you asking?’

Or, if you’re feeling fiery, whip out a sharp retort, like, ‘I’ve got a video of the conception if you’d like to see it?’ or ‘Let’s talk about you instead. When did you last have sex?’

You could choose to educate them if you’re up to it. After talking honestly about the process, perhaps end with, ‘So that you know, I’m happy to talk about this stuff, but most people find it too personal.’

Pregnant women aren’t allowed that

Whether it’s exercising, drinking coffee or simply standing up, everyone else ‘knows best’ in pregnancy. Sometimes advice can be helpful. But when it doesn’t match the type of support you need, these rude comments during pregnancy are more stressful.

For example, Diane, a pregnant mum in the UK, told researchers that a waiter had acted like the ‘food police’. Because she was pregnant, he refused to serve them certain foods for afternoon tea. ‘He said: “You can’t have this”, “You can’t have that.” He didn’t ask us what we wanted,’ Diane explained.

One option is to patiently explain you know what you’re doing: ‘I’ve got a fantastic midwife who helps me make evidence-based decisions about these things.’ If it’s a close family member telling you what to do, it might help to ask their advice on less personal matters. For example, ask them, ‘Where should we get the car seat from?’ or ‘How many clothes do you think the baby will need?’

Isn’t that a risky way to give birth?

Opinions about pregnancy are one thing. But opinions about how you birth can get even more emotional.

For example, when it comes to your wish to birth at home or in water, some people forget you’re a grown adult and can weigh the pros and cons for yourself. Facing stigma for your decision becomes another source of stress.

You can take the gentle route of changing topics. Or, be straightforward with one of the all-purpose comebacks for rude pregnancy comments: ‘That’s my business, not yours.’

Sometimes you might even cite the research behind your decisions. For example: ‘Thanks, but I’m happy with the midwife I’ve chosen. I found a Cochrane review about women cared for by the same midwife throughout their pregnancy and birth. As a result, they had better births, with fewer interventions.’

Forewarned and forearmed when it comes to rude comments during pregnancy

Nothing is more frustrating than feeling lost for words at the moment; the perfect response comes to you hours later. So, it’s a good idea to have comebacks for rude pregnancy comments in your back pocket.

After all, birth and parenthood provide plenty more chances to speak up for yourself and reinforce boundaries.

Ultimately, you don’t have to weigh up any aspect of your pregnancy and birth with friends, family or strangers if you don’t want to. That’s why you have a supportive and experienced care provider.

Reference List

PBB aims to keep you informed with the latest research-based information. Check out our reference list used in the creation of this article.

Published 27th September 2022